I know I don't want to die, and if God wanted to take me he can take me whenever he wants not when I want. I think I know what you mean Steve, that you've come to grips with everything right now so you think God will take you. Maybe it is just that you are entering a new phase of your life. You are more at peace with your past? You feel like you don't know what the future holds? You have nothing to look forward to because of your situation? You're right, it is just a new stage in your life, you can decide what you can do for the rest of your life, you've made it this far, so look into something that interests you and try to attain new goal. This could mean volunteering somewhere, get a part time job, attend AA meetings as you mentioned trying to stay acohol free.I hope and pray you will find your "nich".