((pumkin)),

I am very sorry that you have been in such a "disfunctional" situation. I agree with others who advise you to get away from this, and you also owe it to your son. Remember, we teach our children alot by "our" actions, do you want your son to think that he should "stay" in an abusive disfunctional situation? Or, do you want him to stay a nice young man and know to walk away from "toxic" people.

The fact that your own father abandoned you has left you thinking you are somehow undeserving. That is why you are allowing yourself to be treated so badly. What you are not recognizing here is that you were not abandoned because you were unworthy. That abandonment was only due to a man who didn't appreciate or respect "others", it had nothing to do with your worth. You must stop punishing yourself by staying with this man who is clearly a very damaged, angry, ill man, and could be dangerous as well.

Sadly, what happens so often is that when a child is abandoned, they are tramatized really. It's a different kind of trama though, and because they are only children who are designed to "want" approval to ensure survival, they truely feel a deep sense of "guilt".

You need to step away from yourself, and understand the big picture here. And what I mean by that is, understand how human beings are designed to survive and thrive in general. Sigh....this relationship forum is the saddest IMO, because it is showing how so many become so troubled because of the messages they recieved growing up.

Human beings are just animals really. We, like other animals are designed to "imprint" and learn from our parents, how to survive and thrive, even how to pick a mate, what to look for. So the entire time we are growing up with the adults or adult that is caring for us, we imprint without even realizing it. Because we are more intelligent, the imprinting covers more messages then other animals, more meanings, than other animals too. Without even realizing it, children imprint "acceptable" surroundings, and if a child is growing up in a "disfunctional" situation, they adapt and often consider it "normal". Even if a child grows up and sees the "disfunction" without realizing it, they tend to pick a mate that is much like what a parent picked, it feels right somehow, comfortable, survivable, even when it becomes "unhealthy".

What often happens is that what alot of young adults don't realize is that they form some very deep subconscious messages that direct them. They just don't realize it on a conscious level and if there are unhealthy messages there, they just think it is "how they are supposed to be and feel". And what is sad is that this can be seen constantly in this forum alone. Why am I, why can't I, why does he, what is wrong with me, why is he so mean, how can I trust, why does she cheat, why does he cheat, how can I escape this bad situation, I am not good enough for him, yet I feel I deserve better, yet deep inside I feel I don't deserve better too to name a few of the questions that come up in the forum.

What is even sadder to me, is often these confusing questions take place and at the same time there is a child there too. And what is not being realized is that the child that is there is imprinting the confusion and that child too will struggle when it comes time for a "relationship" to take place. The ongoing "ignorance" is astounding because so many tend to think that we are just born to be who we are to be, and that is so far from reality.

Now, look at your own picture again and think about it. You see a very disfuntional man, obviously with some very deeply disturbing subconscious messages, and look at his son, another human being that is so disfunctional he can't even get out of bed, and he too, is full of anger. Why on earth would you subject your own son to that environment? You are teaching him how to be "ok" with disfunction like this.

Now this dangerous very disfunctional man is not the father of your child, what happened to "his" father? He isn't there right? See how you really are at a loss because your own father wasn't there for you to be able to imprint "what a father is supposed to be?". Not only that but you have a deep sense that you don't even deserve to have a "functional good man" in your life either.

It looks like you are "reliving your mother's life". Think about it. The sad part is that it isn't even "your fault", because we designed to imprint so that we can also follow whatever our parents did in "reproduction and breeding". A goose will imprint to a point where they will spend their life traveling the same route as their parents. They will winter in one area, then breed in another area, and it will be so automatic, we look at it and "marvel". And a goose will mate for life, just like we do, only they will fair better, why, because they don't have the complicated human brain that can mess up a "healthy" mating pattern so that their young don't truely know how to mate and thrive in a "healthy way".

With that, you need to see your picture for what it is, and stop self blaming too. Instead you need to walk away from this disfunction and do some deep self examining so you can change the unhealthy patterns you adapted that are not your fault, but definitely need to be changed.

OE