Hello to everyone who reads this. I would like to tell you about my childhood and life, and then I have some questions about my daughter. I would appreciate your insight and advice.

I was born one of four daughters to parents who fit the "self-absorbed parents" descriptions. My mother and father have always been incapable of giving or receiving love. My mother used to lock us out of the house so she could rest and have her nap. We lived in a very hot climate and had no food or water during the day. My oldest sister took care of us even though she was just a child herself, and she also protected us by taking us out of the room and calming us when my father threatened to kill my mother numerous times while holding a gun to her head. My mother tried to commit suicide on several occasions; her preferred way to was try to jump out of the moving car while we screamed and tried to hold onto her. My parents were always fighting and yelling at each other, and after some of the fights, my mother would wake us up during the night and beat us; that is how she tried to deal with her anger. I developed asthma and night terrors, and eventually stopped sleeping. My parents are now in their mid- to late-80's and do not understand why their children have so many health and emotional problems. My oldest sister and I have a myriad of health problems and she has lived ten years past what the doctors predicted she would survive. My other two sisters have mental problems, mainly with drug additions, abusive spouses, and behavioral disorders (including self-abuse). My oldest sister is the only other sane person in my family, and we have talked to great length over the years about our childhood and what happened to us. When I talk to my other sisters, which is rare, I have to watch everything I say because they will twist my words to try to gain acceptance from my parents. Even if I say nothing at all incriminating, they will make something up to try to show my parents how awful I am and how much better they are. Years ago, I approached my mother a couple of times to try to talk about my childhood. She told me my childhood was great and that kids don't remember things correctly.

I was cooking the family dinner every night when I was seven. Every weekend I mowed our one-acre lawn (it took five hours) and on the other weekend day I mopped the hardwood floors (entire house) and every other weekend, mopped and waxed them. I cleaned both bathrooms every weekend, too, and dusted all the furniture every week. I did not have any time to be a kid. Whenever I said something "fresh" my mother would punch me in the mouth, sometimes she would beat me until I was bruised all over, and if my father was really mad he would whip me with his belt and the belt buckle. All four of us were treated this way, and my oldest sister was held responsible (and still is) for anything that was wrong with the family.

Years ago, I realized that I will never experience a mother or father's love, and it was difficult to deal with but I've accepted the fact. I also stopped trying to win their love because it is impossible to do so. I try to be a good daughter, though, and when I talk to them or, on rare occasions see them, I treat them with kindness and respect because I feel every living thing deserves this, and they are the people who gave me life after all. They have told me I'm the least favorite daughter, probably because I live across the country from them and don't try to get their approval any more. My last hope for love from my mother was asking her to be with me when my baby was scheduled to be born (cesarean) since we had just moved to a new part of the country for my husband's work, and my husband was concerned that if he was there, he would be a liability by fainting or something, and I respected his feelings. My mother said, no, she didn't want to do that! A wife of my husband's colleague offered to be with me, when my own mother wouldn't. (It turns out our daughter was early and my husband stayed by my side and didn't faint after all.)

My parents have money, and they have always used it as a tool to try to keep their adult children close. I broke free of the money-hold when I went to University, and got, on my own, an undergraduate and then master's degree. I would not accept their money for school although it would have been no sacrifice on their part. If I had accepted their money, I would have had to go back home during the summers and I had vowed never to return there to live, and I never have. I wanted to legally divorce my family (except for my oldest sister) four years ago, but a friend talked me out of it, saying that I deserved any inheritance I might get after what I have gone through.

I am now the happiest I've ever been in my life. I have a loving and supportive husband of 15 years. We are rational, kind, and loving to each other. We make each other laugh. We have the same outlook on life and the same priorities, and the few bumps we've encountered on the way in our relationship, we have worked through and been stronger together for it. We are struggling to save for the down payment to buy our first home (and my mother has told me that they could write out a check for the deposit for us without ever noticing the money was gone, but without offering to do so).

We also have an amazingly intelligent, beautiful, funny, talented ten year-old daughter that we waited a long time for. She was very close to my mother up until about three years ago, when my mother started do to her what she's done to her children (constant criticism and guilt). The event that "turned" my mother was the last time she visited. She was screaming at me while I was driving, and my daughter took up for me. When we got home, my mother smeared her feces all over our bathroom, shower curtain, and towels.

My question now is my daughter. For the past year or so, she's been very rude to me and has been lying. Her tone of voice is very rude, she'll ignore me when I talk to her or ask a question, and she'll lie about insignificant things. I have a master's degree in "Applied Learning and Development" and have had many courses on child behavior. My husband and I have tried to be loving and supportive parents, and have always tried to show our daughter respect and kindness. She is very spirited, and we have tried to guide her without crushing her spirit. We like natural consequences, but when needed, we have our own for unacceptable behavior and we follow through. My husband and I are never rude to each other, and we don't lie in our family. She has no other siblings, but lots of friends, and we usually have a friend of her choice over at least twice a week for play dates. My husband has to travel a week out of every month, so I wonder if I'm the only target she has to get out her frustrations. We don't punish her for lying, but we let her know that lying cuts the ties between those we love. We call her on the rudeness, and it gets better temporarily, but then it comes again.

I feel so awful when she's rude and lies to me. I try not to, but I feel that she doesn't love me when she does this, and if my parents don't love me, and my daughter doesn't, maybe it's me and I am doing something to bring this on myself. I pretty down at the moment about this.

Sorry for the long post.