I've had trust issues for as long as I can remember. I went to an in home day care that was incredibly abusive (verbally, physically, sexually) from my earliest memories until I was about 10. I don't know if this would have anything to DO with anything, but I do consider it a key piece to my overall story.

Let me be clear that I understand why both of my parents worked. I completely, 100% try not to blame them for anything. Did I resent it at the time? Sure. Do I think it contributed to some MASSIVE abandonment issues that I carry with me to this day? Indeed.

I've always had a problem with people leaving. I don't know why. I've always thought that it was just a personal malfunction. A lot of people I know have that "one friend" that they've had since Kindergarten. Me? Not so much. I don't actively seek out lonesomeness. But it does seem to follow me. Sometimes I like it. Sometimes I don't. And sometimes it REALLY bothers me.

(It's probably also worth mentioning that I'm an only child. That kid that played Monopoly by them-self? That was totally me. And... it's a lot more fun than you'd think. Anyway.)

It always seems that right about the time I really open up to someone and FINALLY start to trust them implicitly, something happens and they leave me. One friendship ended in high school my senior year after a HUGE rage filled blow up (on my part of course) because I had it in my head that she was turning everyone against me and was hurting me on purpose. She wasn't. Of course. But this raging screaming took place in the middle of the hallway right in the middle of the day while people were trying to change classes. So I'm fairly certain the entire school could hear me. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure this is why she didn't talk to me for many years after. We're "facebook friends" still, but only in a very acquaintance kind of way.

But what I'm starting to realize is that I'm having a problem trusting even myself these days. And this thought is paralyzing, and it makes me panic.

I compare it to looking at the world through a filter. And whatever "filter" I'm seeing the world through that day is skewing the legitimacy of the situation. I base real feelings, real emotions and very real decisions based on my perception of that situation. And I just can't trust it. I try as HARD as I possibly can to insert SOME kind of logic into a situation, but I've ended up making the wrong decisions, the VERY wrong decisions because some wires got crossed in my head and I legitimately believed I was making the right decision. I look back at things I've done in amazement, and wonder how I could have POSSIBLY thought that was right? What on EARTH was I thinking?

But, there other times that I know damn well I'm making the wrong decision. My logic is telling me to stop, and I'm telling it to go right to hell. But I end up regretting it just the same.

I hate it. I hate it so very much. I hate myself for it. It makes me feel worthless. It cheapens my emotions. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. People tell me "do the right thing, do what your heart tells you". But I simply don't know what that is. I know what it is NOW. I know what it is in THIS very moment. But I don't know what it will be tomorrow. Or next week. Basing ALL my decisions on logic alone, or by what other people tell me is the "right" thing to do feels meaningless. And baseless. I feel empty. It's not real. It's just part of this mask that I continue to wear that covers up all those REAL emotions that I'm really not supposed to be feeling. Or over feeling, really.

I guess I just needed to vent. But all the talking in the world never seems to make me feel better.