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Originally Posted by I.Am.The.End.
I feel pretty much the same as you...although I'm 24 and a girl. But knowing that most people my age (or younger) are married really bothers me and it only gets worse the older I get.
The thought of being alone the rest of my life plagues me constantly and I wish I could just die, but I'm not brave enough to kill myself. But I still self-harm. Why not? It's not like anyone is ever going to see them or really care that I do that to myself (at least not in real life).
And what really really REALLY burns me (and this may be different from your situation) is that I'm considered very attractive, except I guess I'm not quite skinny enough. Apparently size 12/13 is still considered fat. But apparently I have a pretty face and I have an interesting/fun but eccentric personality. I'm not overly social, but I can interact with other people if given the opportunity and I doubt many people even realize I'm shy. But I can't connect with people. And even if I do, I never see them after class. And it's not like I can even tell someone that I'm interested in them or like them anymore anyway because the last person I mentioned it to got mad and terrorized me to the point that I had to take anti-psychotics to reach any form of normalcy again. And it doesn't matter if that was a supposed "isolated incident", it doesn't matter. I can't do that again. I almost killed myself and I was so terrified for weeks...if it happens again, I don't know if I can survive it again. And I believe it will happen again. I'll experience it again regardless, so it doesn't matter.
I'm interested in someone now...we get along great. Everyone says I'm really pretty. But I'm still going to die alone, a virgin.
And more on that, I need the emotional intimacy more than sex. I'm terrified to have sex anyway. But I still have a sex drive, which is starting to get higher. Which is horrible. I hate feeling like I have these animalistic drives that there's nothing I can do about. It's distracting. Very distracting.
Anyway, I don't have answers unfortunately, but I feel pretty much the same as you do.
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Unfortunately, I am definitely not attractive, which further complicates an already difficult situation. People will say such things as beauty is in the eye of the beholder' or some other idealistic platitude, but let's face it, good looks might not be everything but they do help.
What is most troubling for me is not that I can't connect with others but they never seem to like me. No matter what I do I am never enough to be loved. Until Wonder Woman (a term I use to refer to the female supposedly in my future that will love me) appears, I fear that I have an incredibly lonely future ahead of me.
Sex terrifies me too but it is becoming harder to ignore these urges of mine. In public I see people in relationships all the time, and it's depressing to think how long it has been since I had a female in my life. Most of the time I have no one to talk to except a therapist.
I really do believe I am unlovable.