As you might know, this has been a touchy subject on other threads. The ultimate decision whether to take meds or not is up to you. Many folks have good luck substituting other means in place of meds (lifestyle changes, DBT, etc.), while others swear by taking meds.

One thing that concerns me is your statement that you've become more suicidal since going off the meds. I find that the effects of my medications are pretty subtle (I'm on abilify, lamictal -- which is a pretty good mood stabilizer for me -- & lexapro -- an AD). I don't recognize/have many side-effects to meds. If you don't want to go back on all of your meds, I might consider taking an AD to see if that decreases your suicidal ideations. As far as meds destroying brain cells, I'm not certain that's true (though others might feel it's so).

Ultimately, the decision to take meds is up to you. If you can cut back on the "bud," that might be a good idea. It's a depressant &, in my case, makes me paranoid (as if I'm not paranoid enough ). Good luck weighing your decision. I'm impressed with your list of the pros & cons, so I'm sure you'll make a decision that's right for you.