so i sent an e-mail begging my old T to take me back and to not stop seeing me as a client.so she called me back and was willing to see me yesterday evening to have a discussion about it and how i can make things easier. and she said that it needed to be a mutual discussion on both parts. meaning that i needed to participate that i was not going to be able to just sit there

i met with her .she talked a lot about needing to find a way to communicate with her. to find a way to feel safe in her office and to trust her. it was so hard to hear everything she said .probably because mostly it was true.but it hurts really bad. these are some of the things she said that were so hard to hear.they are kind of all over the place because it was a lot. she said things like she has no idea what is going on in my head,i don't share anything ,she feels that she is doing all the work and will not keep doing it, she knows nothing of my daily life, i give up to easily and put no effort into trying to figure out what is going on. that i will be OK and happy and talking and then something happens and suddenly i wont speak for three weeks,i want to leave sessions early,and i run out. she said she has allowed me to sit in silence thinking that was good for me and what i needed,but then sometime i suddenly say i can't do this anymore and want to leave. when she tries to ask questions during this time i don't answer her,she feels the more she tries to get me to engage the worse i get. she said i know her bag of tricks ,that i know what she has to offer me in the way of help. but that i need to start putting some effort in that she wont and can't keep doing all the work and talking. she said i need to figure out a way that i feel safe communicating to her. she did say that i didn't have to talk. i knew what her bag of tricks were and i can choose whatever i need. i can draw, i can read, i can write ,i can do whatever i need to be able to communicate ,but i need to be trying to communicate. she said it isn't fair that i say nothing when she does or says something i don't like. anyway that was the gist of the session and what she had to say .i know there was a bunch more but this about sums it up

so then she said that she didn't ever think i was coming back so she gave away my spot. that hurt so bad. and if she sees me it will probably be on a Monday. i had Monday sessions for a long time and it was horrible for me .i was finely able to ask her if she could change them for me.and she did. it was huge .it was the first time and only time i ask for something.i was proud of that .and now i don't even have that .i know that i behaved horribly bad and i brought all this on myself .but it hurts so bad. it is all gone. going on Mondays now just represents such a huge failure on my part.i am grateful if she is willing to see me but i am so sad.it is all gone any confidence i had that things could be OK is gone .i feel like if i am not perfect she will say that she wont see me. and she would be right . i understand there have to be consequences to my behaving so badly but i want things to just be the way they were. i want to feel good about my T.i guess by some surprise i did have some sort of trust and faith in my T,i just didn't see it until i destroyed it all .go me right