My pdoc and psychologist are trying to convince me to take my meds, I'm not so sure they have the right opinions on this matter. The meds are olanzapine up to 10 mg (zyprexa) and lamotrigine 200 mg (lamictal). Please reply, I need some input!

Why I should take them:
I have been on them before and I noticed a huge effect from 10 mg olanzapine, but barely anything from 200 mg lamotrigine. I'm bipolar II and have been living with ultra-rapid cycles since I tried escitalopram less than a year ago. I started on olanzapine 10 mg to stop the manic episode induced by escitalopram and the cycles were mostly under control while I took my meds, even though I was still suicidal and have been ever since I was a little kid. I was told to stop taking my meds because my Ts, who I met a while after this episode, didn't believe me when I told them I had an undiagnosed bipolar disorder. I told them "I have bipolar", and lately they told me "at first we didn't believe you had bipolar". So basically they didn't believe me and I see no reason why I should trust them. After struggling with them for a while I finally showed up to my appointment in a hypomanic state. They then proceeded to call my previous therapists and doctors and I got the diagnosis very quickly, so now they want me back on the same meds. I should note that my BMI is a little above 15 and I lost about 30 pounds in 3 months after quitting olanzapine, so obviously the weight gain is much needed. Another thing that's bugging me is that this could maybe get even worse if I don't start taking meds. There is the possibility of permanent damage. I don't know where I read this and I hope it's not true. Lastly, I would be able to smoke less weed, but not quit, if I took my meds.

Why I do not want to take them:
- They make me more lethargic than any amount of weed has ever done, and weed is also a good situational mood stabilizer for me.
- They do not help much with my depression, which is kind of chronic, but they do remove the most extreme episodes and they also help with the mixed episodes. I like my hypomania and don't want it to go away.
- It's true that I have been more suicidal since stopping the meds, but that's not an issue for me, it's an issue for the people around me who are already suffering anyway. Honestly I do not think it would make a huge difference to their happiness if I died (not that I currently intend to).
- They make me feel as if something is missing. I have a thing with my brain. It's as if someone is putting knowledge, wisdom and ideas in my mind. These very complicated and meaningful thought structures appear suddenly, and sometimes I express them before I'm aware of them, and I do not know where they come from. It's not normal, I have never been and I know the difference. I like to think of them as the doings of benevolent spirits, but I'm not religious or psychotic. When I take meds they almost go away completely and I miss them a lot, I feel alone and less than myself.
- I'm making a mood tracker and I want to track my moods in my non-medicated state.
- I would like to become a mini-genius of some sort, but I don't feel like I have that opportunity when I'm on my meds because they dull my senses and slow me down.

I see there are many good reasons to take them, but I'm not sure if they outweigh the reasons I have to stay away from them. Would I be more or less at risk for permanent damage (i.e. brain injury) if I take the meds? I have had uncontrolled movements in my shoulders especially and upper body since I stopped olanzapine, but I have told my pdoc. And is it really worth being stable if I lose so much?