I think it took a huge amount of courage for you to decide to make that phone call, and to go back and see your T. That is the kind of risk-taking in therapy that will reap your rewards.

I can imagine that it was difficult to listen to what she had to say, and I can understand why you might feel that you have "destroyed" things with you and your t or otherwise feel that your spot being given away is some sort of punishment, but it's not. It is just the natural consequences of having your T take what you said at face value, that you were quitting. She didn't try to force her beliefs on you, she didn't go chasing after you trying to convince you that you needed therapy. She respected your choice and once you did contact her, it seems that she was able to work you right in. This is someone who really wants to work with you, and help you. She cares about you.

It seems to me that the conversation she had with you did not validate any of the things that you thought she believed about you, which were several different kinds of flavors that you are somehow some kind of terrible person and she hates you. You see that, right? Everything she said was about your behavior, or your communication with her, that's the only problem she has. And she is clearly willing to meet you in any communication mode that you chose, but you have to actually do (or say) things. Instead, it seems like you get lost in your head and roll into those old neurological tracks which tell you that this person hates you and wants to get rid of you.

But she had her chance, and she didn't get rid of you. She could have easily ignored you when you emailed or called. But she reached out to you, and I think you can reach back.

But I'd like to see you be kinder to yourself. Whatever mistakes you made have made in quitting (and I'm not really sure you made any mistakes, as I think this has ended up with you needing to hear what she said), you didn't ruin or destroy or hurt her or your therapy in any way. It sounds to me like this is the conversation with her you were supposed to have all along, and now you can move forward.