from an objective point of view; this is what i saw.

yesterday: she was NOT scolding. she immediately got you an appointment to see her. if she did hate you or was mad at you, would she really have called you back? what would be the point of that? she can find other clients, but she WANTED to see you. what she was saying (from my point of view) is that she wants to help. but that it is hard when you can't talk or communicate. no matter how much she may think she knows about what goes on in her mind, the only thing she is probably certain of is that this is fear based. she knows your terrified, but there is only so much one person can do if you can't talk or write or show her your drawings. or maybe you do those things a little bit which is huge, but then you get so scared that you retreat again. what i hear her saying to you is that she really wants to help you; she has offered up to you what she has. talking, drawing, writing. there are other T's out there that work differently, but this T has this "bag of tricks."

and thats ok! i think she doesn't want this to be mroe painful for you than it has been if you are willing to keep trying. what is that sayig--the definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results. it obviously hasn't been working because you shut down at moments that aren't so obvious to her. I hope you don't read this as ME scolding you. i am not. what i see is a T who wants to help, and is laying it all out there. here is what i have, but you have to meet me halfway. does that seem ok to you, and non-judgemental?

and maybe she somehow got a tuesday appt that opened up. either way she is trying to help. she is working to make you feel as comfortable as possible, and i like that she wants to take things in a different direction. Granite, over the years i have seen your T try different tactics with you. a T that doesn't care or who "hates" someone wouldn't bother trying. why should they when they could get paid either way if someone just comes in and sits? if someone truly doesn't care about an outcome, it probably is easier just to let the silence be. but it seems obvious to me that she does care, that she is trying and that she is willing to be more flexible in how she practices.

i do truly get how hard this is.and how easy it is to misconstrue a therapy relationship. just an example from me just from yesterday. i told my T about a dream i had where it was a normal session where it was frustrating for me because i haev a really hard time talking (normal), and at the end she just looked at me and goes "ok well next time i see you we will talk about wrapping up. i don't see that you have any more problems." i was in shock and devastated. i was like "Wait....ummm...WHAT." that feeling of dread and doom and anxiety stayed with me the rest of the day after i woke up, and i was nervous telling her about it 5 days later.

i told her it was my worst fear coming true. i constantly (and have for the 5 years i've been in therapy) battle with "i really don't have any major problems. am i even unhappy? what do i want? why am in therapy?" those questions. and then my T goes (in my dream) "Well i agree. you don't really have any problems. BUH BYE." I told her what i found so interesting is how much i panicked-in the dream, but also in real life. i struggle so much with therapy and yet with the possibility of it beingtaken away, it scared me, so some part of me wants to be there. she commented that it must be especially unnerving because i count on her to be the reasonable voice: "no, i think you should be here, and you do have issues worth being disussed," and then she colluded with my brain.

i was fascinated. i did count on her to do that? i guess she is right, but i've never thought of her doing that for me; reassuring me its ok. she has explicitly told me that she doesn't think i'm in therapy for no reason--but not often. AND THEN she goes "You know, we do have a relationship." Which completely flustered me and made me very uncofmortable. I flailed my arms about and said "I guess so." Woops. I feel bad like i completely demeaned what she said, but it threw me off guard. Like "what, you care about me?" I don't know. I'm still processing it.

My whole point (sorry i ramble ) is that this tiny little thing about my dream shed light on an aspect of our relationship that i'd never considered. i pretty much think that she finds me interesting enough to see me once a week and is attentive during those 50 minutes, but thats it. and im ok with that. to find out i actually care more, and that she does totally surprised me, and i am not surrounded in fear so much as you. i told my T that even though i've seen her for 5 years, it mostly feels unreal.

i reallly believe that our brains are crazy creatures and can misconstrue so much, and so easily, and it sometimes can take one tiny word or sentence or gesture to completely flip whatever you thought right on its head. i think THAT is what therapy is all about. we ALL constantly get meanings wrong from other people based on our own life experiences. T's are there to help correct that and maybe let you see clearer; you know, taking off those rose-colored glasses.

think how easy it is and how often it happens that people get so upset over email or text or on forums over whatever is written, and when they get a clarification they see how they read it so differently than how it was intended.