Please keep everything as it is and go to the appointment.

I write a lot to my therapist in all types of moods (100+ pages 2012). My writing is not edited, or re-read, It's put right into T folder and I never see it again. That way I can't get embarrassed. T gets unedited thoughts, if she didn't she'd be concerned far before she should. T needs to know when I can't form thoughts or am thought jumping and editing wouldn't show that. If T was to worry to fast I wouldn't trust her with the things that worry me, I need to trust her. My style of writing is very graphic, and intense.

Usually the things I wont vocalize I'll write later. Just because you down-play when you talk does not mean you should when you write. It's harder to be truthful when your speaking that's probably why s/he wants it. S/he wants to see the world trough your eye's.

About the eating disorder: Being a friend does not mean that you can accept your own advice. It's hard to hurt your T and yes that's who you need to turn to. The ED board here is slow but that seems to be one thing a lot of us here deal with co-currently. Tell T you don't know if you want help or tell her you want help with BP but not ED.

I don't even know if I really ant help with that. It's become my preferred self-punishment and I don't know if I want to give it up. Say this or write this. I've told my T something similar several time. My T's always pretty good about it. Even though I say it rather venomously. T reminds me I don't always feel that way and hardly ever mentions my ED.