So, ive been diagnosed with bulimia over 2 years ago.. I never thought i had bulimia at first i thought i had BED (binge eating disorder) it was only after i took an honest look and got more into recovery i realized, i am bulimic. I did not start binging, never had an addiction or problem with food at all, it was only after i started with dieting and restricting i developed binging. (ive never thrown up-ive purged in other ways). Since then ive been up and down with recovery, but mostly goin up, been through some hard times though. Going through a rough patch ive gotten more into the anorexic side.. my body and mind has been deprived. In the summer to September just last year i was not eating mostly due to natural no appetite and depression. (issues at home, long story had a stepdad wouldn't even let me eat sometimes he fed my ED big time)
I finnaly moved out, thought that's my biggest problem once i move out i will have the will to live again and i can finally fully recover.
I got a new job that created so much stress and havoc on me mentally and physically that -that replaced my stepdad /living at home in a way. So, my anorexia continued/got worse at times.

I lost that job and went back to my old one, which i like. I felt down at first because i again failed at something, but was greatfull, i really don't want a job like that, and now i can focus on recovery.

Well, it was after that that i started binging. I havnt binged in over 2 years. When i first realized i had an ed, i joined OA (Over eaters Anonymous) and vowed my abstinence and even in the worst of my ed anorexic days, i still never even thought about binging. The first time i binged this year it was so weird.. And i forgave myself and realized it was because i was so deprived for so long.. This is my bodys natural response and crying out.

ive been up and down still. And the binging got worse. Even though im finally happy with my home life, i got a NEW job that i LOVE, ive still binged. I just don't get it. its like im trying to sabotage myself.

I realized last night ive developed the habit of binging again, it came back. it is now a coping mechanism and a habit again. Ive been giving up, letting myself drown if i slip. letting myself - ENJOY the binging, since im already doing it /failing mise well enjoy it kind of thing.

Well i need to get myself out of this. Even in the worst of being on the anorexic side does still not compare to what binging can do ..
Today i sliped a bit. i realzed a lot last night, did good up until dinner tonight..I planed on having just a chicken burger and part of a chocolate bunny for dessert. i ended up eating much more of that chocolate. almost the whole thing, and then some more chocolate other stuff. i did not feel satisfied.. I did stuff to prevent possible over eating, that just didn't work out i guess. I remembered how when you've been overeating your not gona be so used to less/normal amounts of food right away.. i gotta wean myself.. it will be a struggle, i may not always feel completely satisfied after meals, but i gotta fight the urge- if i know i have had enough food- i gota fight the urge to binge. cus the more i do the easier it will get and i will again be able to eat moderate portions and feel satisfied (like before).
I have ocd too and can get anxiety, i noticed sometimes when i start to eat more than planed, my anxiety shots up- and i continue to over eat simply out of not knowing what to do with myself- pure anxiety. Like uh oh..this could lead to a binge..and i just keep eating! My ocd will kick in - "your making a mess crumbs are getting everywhere-ill wonder how am i gonna clean this or should i chill out and clean after or clean now? and then ill just continue eating.

So, i need help. How can i get myself out of these anxiety/ocd periods with eating, or prevent them? How can i get through this struggle of not giving into binge urges, and finnaly moving forward from this relapse?