Of course you don't deserve this, none of us asked for any of this. It isn't fair or just, it just is. I have asked all of the same questions myself while I have been depressed. Wracking my brain to find out if I'd done anything. We are just the unlucky ones who were born differently. It doesn't mean that it will never get better or have any of the regular things, although we probably never will be 100% normal. No one's life is. I don't know what kind of help you are getting, therapist or psychiatrist or both. But part of what helped me was deciding that no matter how bad the depression was that I will not be a victim. Depression is awful but even if you can't see it you are a stronger person than most because despite it all you have continued with 13 years of hell you are still here and still moving forward. Maybe not where you'd like to be, I'm not even close to where I wanted to be, but you're strong for fighting it. Take some of that strength you have to do one thing you want that is attainable. You'd be surprised how easy one thing can be after all of this. You define what makes you happy, fulfilled, and proud of yourself from now on. What other people do is there business, for now just focus on you.