I've come to the conclusion that I deserve what I'm going through. I deserve to feel inadequate. I deserved the sexual abuse I endured as a child, as well as the physical abuse I endured as an adult. I deserve to not be loved or cared about. I deserve to feel humiliated. I deserve to be treated like a poisonous snake. I deserve it all. This may sound silly to some people, and some may even consider this "crazy talk" but I honestly feel that I must be suffering because I've done something to deserve this misery.

I'm tired of living like this, but really there's nothing I can do anymore. I've tried just recently opening up to people, and reach out, but it seems my cry for help is viewed as whining. Based on the responses I've gotten from people (not here at psychcentral) that my feelings are infantile. They make me feel stupid for not being normal, treat me like I'm an idiot for not getting over it and moving on. I feel like I have to keep my feelings to myself because they are not acceptable or normal. I've kept my feelings to myself my entire life, and now I know for sure that it's not okay for me to feel how I do, or have a mental illness.

I'm done trying, it's just taking too much of a toll on me. I'm not even in control of my own life anymore. I guess that's the way it has to be. I have to be how others want me to be, live how they want me to live, so I'm done. I give up.

I do want to say one last thing: Throughout my time here at psychcentral I've received some very help advice, feedback, encouragement, and support from members. I don't want anyone for a second to think that any comments left for me went in one ear and out the other because it's simply not true. I appreciate everything everyone has offered me, but I just feel like there's nothing I can do to improve my situation. My life isn't my life anymore, so me getting better is not even dependent on me. I just have to wait it out. If things get better, then I guess I'm lucky.

Thanks again for all your support.