I am still afraid that I don't know which of me I am. And there are times when I dissociate that I feel disconnected from everything and everyone around me. It is a feeling of floating only I am not floating. If that state persists I use ice or something to ground myself. You mentioned you have had bad experiences with the medical system. That happens almost to everyone at some point but there are good therapists out there. You just have to go to different ones until you find the one that fits. That is what I did. They are like shoes. Not everyone is going to fit so you have to try them on. The therapist I had before the one I have now did not listen to me. She saw it one way and that was it. So I said good bye and found the therapist I have now. In the beginning I was cautious but we all gave her a chance and now most of us trust her. I think you would do best if you could get back into counseling. It is not always perfect but it is a safety net when things start to spin. I hope you feel better.