Met with my pastor today. It's frustrating, and it's always been this way, that whenever I'm there, talking with him, I can't think of anything wrong. Things feel ok, I start to doubt myself, wonder why I ever felt down and needed to talk. Usually don't get anywhere and only waste his time, really. Few hours later, I'm as down as ever, probably usually worse, because I feel crappy about not saying anything earlier.
Today was no different, except that I mentioned that thought - how everything seems fine when I'm there but it's just as bad a couple hours later. He agreed with that, and gave me what I think is the first appropriate/useful piece of homework I've ever had - to identify as they come and write out 3 destructive thought patterns, trace them a couple steps in, then backtrack and try to identify what's really true.
So this afternoon I started listing all these negative thought patterns - which I believe are true - and then I got distracted. Started writing out what's been going on inside my head the last 4 weeks. Now this I'm kinda afraid to let loose of. It includes how I contacted people other than him because I wasn't sure about going to him with it (which is pretty dumb on my part), my frequent suicidal thoughts/ready-made plans, (lack-of)eating/over-exercise habits, and the growing urge to SI again. Feels like a lot to just give someone - plus it'd ruin my "accidental" suicide idea, although I suppose that wouldn't be a bad thing... but still. Shouldn't matter to me, because I'm not suicidal. Just kinda like having that option there.
I guess I'm probably going to end up giving him this. Don't know how he'll react... my guess is he'll get gun-shy and find a T to refer me to. Heh. But I guess it might be good to let it out. Can't really hurt anything.