I hear what you are saying lovebird. It puts one in a bit of a bind really. I still have not found a term, label, descriptor that I am comfortable with. They all make me quiver because they all fail to feel like a proper fit.

As a child I learned to 'behave' so that I could earn my father's love and praises. I performed my way into his heart. I knew it was an effective strategy because my brother and sister didn't adopt the same strategy with my dad and they didn't earn the same returns I did growing up. I was the favoured child and everyone knew it. I worked hard to please him and behave in accordance with his wishes. I was the suck-up.

Interestingly it was me who ended up estranged from our dad for some 30 years while my brother and sister maintained relations with him. Eventually we found our way back to a father daughter relationship but the old ‘behave to please’ programming falls right back into place any time we are together. I still find myself measuring myself by his standards.

I recognize that the word 'behave' has some powerful connotations for me personally. I have a tendency to frame most everything as the consequence of my behaviour. Good, bad or indifferent. I will deny myself outside intervention (medical care or family support) because I argue that I must first clean up my bad behaviours before I have a right to take anyone’s time or attention. I argue that I don’t have the right to ask for help unless and until I first make every effort on my own to behave in an appropriate and healthy manner. And as my dad’s voice still echoes in my head, ‘go figure it out.... come back when you have the answer and when you are ready to do the right thing.’ Or ‘Only sissies ask for help.... buck up and get to work.’