Hello, I'm new. I'm a 17yr old girl, so please in all seriousness, do not judge me. I'm here for someone to tell me exactly what is wrong with me, how it started & when. I'm going to tell you everything that has happened to me & that I've done that seems f***ed up/not normal. Here's my story:
When I was about 10yrs old I had a crush on the 16yr old neighbor boy. He took advantage of my feelings & sexually abused me. There was never penetration, just our naked sex organs touching & oral sex. Then after his 13yr old sister found out she decided to blackmail me (because I didn't want my religious mother knowing I wasn't "pure" anymore) to take advantage the same way her brother did. By the time 6th grade came around, I came out as a bisexual. I had more intimate female relationships than male. 7th grade came & puberty treated me well, boys were all over me though I was hardly interested. I became infatuated with a certain boy that year. We were best friends, he asked me to be his girlfriend just to break up with me a week later & came out of the closet to everyone. The rest of the year I was known as "the girl who turned him gay". This heart break & torture is what lead me to become a self-mutilator, an alcoholic & a pot head in one year. Soon enough I found a new male best friend, he was dating a friend of mine that was a girl. That summer he came over & stayed the night in which we had make-out sessions. He was unfaithful to his girlfriend as I was unfaithful to her as a friend. 8th grade came, me & this boy began to date. That year there was a lot of drama. He was still unsure who he had feelings for, me or her. Our relationship was on & off. At one point I dated his best friend for 3 days, hurting him pretty badly. Freshman year came & we were together but attending different schools. This stirred up many rumors that he was cheating/had a different girlfriend at his school. When we hung out he seemed uninterested in me, one day I checked his phone & he had been talking with a girl about sex. When we lost our virginity to each other that year. He swore it was nothing, but that didn't stop us from becoming disconnected. I ended up cheating on him with a junior at my school, yet we still stayed together. That summer I left to visit family in another state. We didn't have much contact with each other so we became disconnected again. Also while I was there, my cousin came in my room in the middle of the night wanting sex & I let him have it. When I got home I told my boyfriend & he forgave me yet again. Why, I'll never understand. Sophmore year he came to my school, little did I know he was hanging out with his ex from our middle school days & yet again his feelings for her resurfaced. I didn't find this out until springbreak, but they had argued & stopped talking for quite some time already. That summer there was a party. I drank considerably more than my boyfriend and his friend. I was convinced to have a threesome with them. His friend used protection, but my boyfriend didn't, obviously resulting in my conceiving a child. I attended junior year up until a month before my due date. Our baby is now born. We live together now. I'm home taking care of the baby while he is at school/work. He seems distant from me again & it hurts as I have nobody. I have 2 best friends that live out of state. Other than that, I have no friends. But he does, friends that are girls. That makes me so insecure cause he is at school with them & I'm not. It's almost like Freshman year all over again but I don't have anyone telling rumors, it's just all in my head. I check his phone & facebook constantly & I feel guilty cause there is nothing to say he is being unfaithful. I love him dearly, even after all we went through & all the messed up s*** I've done. We will be together 4yrs this year. But what is wrong with me? Why did I do the things I did?