My diagnosis is severe treatment-resistant depression. I've done psychiatrists and therapists and meds.

And many years ago, I use to think that this happened to me because I was one of the few people able to handle it. I was very good at handling it for years, "faking it" was something I was great at. Then something happened and things snowballed and I just couldn't do it anymore.

It's so hard not to think about the things that I have missed out on. And the things I will most likely miss altogether. Like take my family for example. There is my dad & mom. Then my older sister & her husband. (who have been married for over five years and are trying to have kids) My oldest sister and her husband have two sons, ages 8 and 9 1/2. (they have been married over 20 years) And then there is my younger sister and her boyfriend, who have been dating for almost six years. The odd one is me! I have no boyfriend, no marriage, no kids, no companion whatsoever.

I use to have three really good friends. And even though they all lived in the same city which was three hours away from me, we still communicated well for a while. Then I guess cuz things didn't improve with me, it got easier for them to go on with their lives and just leave me behind. One joined the air guard reserve three years ago and has rarely talked to me since then. The second one use to be really good at calling me and emailing me, but now is just one of those people who says they will stay in touch but never does. And the third one, he was pretty good up until a couple years ago, when he met his now-wife, and then he just kinda forgot about me.

And I'm not the kind of person who dwells on thoughts of what "could be" or "should be" and what is fair or not. But seeing those around me just makes me think about how far behind them I actually am. And the fact that I most likely will never have the things that I once dreamed of, the life that I once envisioned myself having.

So I am sorry this got to be so long. Did not mean for that to happen.