You said a mouthful there Thunder Bow.
I know a lot about how you are feeling jrae. I can't even think about 'why' anymore, because even if I came up with a great answer, would it make a difference really? For me, no. All I can do is my best everyday. I try. That's all anyone can do.
What is important in your life? What brings you joy?
The best thing I did for myself, ever, is get out of my own head, everyday, for a little while. Volunteering where there is a real need, in my case, a local hospital, believe it or not, takes me to a different place in my head where my thoughts can rest for awhile. Doing & giving feeds us depressives especially. I made time in my schedule and it is saving me from myself.
It breaks up the day and I get a glimmer of hope, for a little while.
I do understand your pain. It is up to us to be our own change, however brief. Good luck to you.