I went in fully hopeful that T would be supportive in my decision to take a break (after 5 years of continuous therapy with 2 different T). She wasn't at all and tried to convince me to keep going.

My thoughts of "I need a break because it's been 5 years" wasn't good enough for her to warrant the break. The fact that I wanted to take a break from the work we are doing wasn't good enough. She keep pushing me to invite my mother to therapy (who mind you lives 8 hours away!) and I'm not ready for that. My nerves can't handle it. When asked what I would have to lose by inviting her I told her my sanity she looked like she wanted to laugh.

I just felt so misunderstood the entire time.

When she asked about my anxiety level I told her I can' give her a decimal range. It's just always there some days it's a low hum but I can feel it, and other days it really high and i feel zoned out--it flip flops.

What got me was when I explained what my anxiety was about ( for one constantly feeling that at any moment everything I have built for myself will be ripped from me) she asked me to give her EVIDENCE about why I would even think that, otherwise she just cant understand why I would have those thoughts and I guess to her they aren't valid. I sat there and couldn't give her evidence. I don't have the words to fully explain what I mean . So finally I told her "then you just won't understand then, and that's the end of that". Alot of my anxiety is so unexplainable because I've had it for so long. The only way I would describe it is not really feeling like I have a person or place where I feel comfortable (at least that how it felt when I was a kid...now it's harder to explain); always feeling like my world is going to fall apartment; at night when I go to the bathroom I literally feel like someone is right behind me and getting ready to attack me. T always wanted me to give her evidence to support that and I just can't. It just is. I don't have words to give her evidence and even if i had the words she would tell me they were not valid anxieties

When I tell her I can't connect with people, that I feel that there is this huge divider between me and the rest of the world that I just can't seem to get around, she tells me I have to change my thinking. I have to go and be around people. My response to her is that I am around people all the time. I've been with my ex for 7 years and have known his family for the same amount of time and could not connect with them. I don't feel comfortable around them. And that feeling doesn't change from group to group or situation to situation. It's always there and always has been since I was like 8. She doesn't get it. And keeps telling me to change my thought processes. It's hard to change my thought processes when at the very core of me I feel like worthless piece of the smelliest garbage and I don't know why. I don't know why I feel broken. But she thinks its as simple as changing my thoughts. Changing my thoughts won't lift the weight I feel like I've been carrying around my entire life. And she doesn't get it. I feel so awful. She just completely confirmed for me that no one will understand me and why I feel the way I don't. Hell I don't even understand it.

I feel like the new T I saw did understand me and I might go back for another session before my official therapy break just so I can solidify my decision to either restart therapy in a few months or just quit altogether.

I walked out and and didn't even looked back. Sorry--I didn't mean for this to be so long. I just had to get it out my system.