I feel really stupid doing this. I don't know why but it's almost physically impossible for me to talk about anything personal to anybody in real life (have literally never done it), and it is just barely manageable to do it anonymously. Even as I write these words I feel an incredible amount of shame, guilt and self-loathing. But it has to come out..so I'm sorry for having to do my crap here. Feel free to not read my whining. I wouldn't hold it against you.

I just can't take it anymore. I want help so badly but like I said, it's IMPOSSIBLE to tell this to anybody. I feel as if I will (literally) die before that happens but I can't deal with it on my own anymore. My head keeps going at a million thoughts a second, all of them terrible ones.

I stumbled upon something that helps though. I've gradually started injuring myself without even realizing it. It started with just digging into my skin with fingernails, progressed to punching myself and once I realized what I was really doing I though I'd try a knife..and oh man. I can't stop now. I know it's bad but it helps so much. There's all these memories and thoughts that come into my head and hurt just as bad as they did when they first happened. I used to not know how to deal with this and would wind up screaming, crying and wanting to die so badly..now when this happens I go to work on my arm, and it all just melts away. Everything fades into this beautiful nothingness and I couldn't feel anything emotionally if I tried.

In a sick way it might have saved my life (for now). There have been three times in the last week I was so certain that I wouldn't make it to the morning. I had the plan and was ready to go...but I wound up cutting myself until I passed out. Maybe I never would have done it in the first place. Maybe I'm just too much of a coward.

I've been trying to lie to myself and convince me that there's nothing wrong since I was a teenager. "It's natural" I would say to myself, "I'll grow out of it. Just some teenage angst". But I didn't, and it's gotten a million times worse since then (I'm 23 now if it matters). Part of what makes it so bad is that I don't even know why. I don't have some sad story. I wasn't physically abused or molested, and in a way that makes the shame and self-loathing worse because I feel like I don't deserve to feel this way. I haven't suffered enough to get to be "depressed".

There's always that voice whispering in my ear "Look at you you pathetic fool! There's nothing wrong with you besides the fact that you're a lazy, cowardly, ugly imbecile! So what if you came out stupid and worthless. There are plenty of stupid, worthless people living their lives free of misery and self-pity. Just snap out of it or go ahead and kill yourself already you coward!"

Sometimes I don't even know if it's wrong. But even so..I can't snap out of it, or keep going like this. I want help but that is impossible..but I know I can't keep going on like this. It's quite a dilemma. In creeps the suicidal thoughts..