I would like to ask for some opinions with regard to what, or how much, we owe our spouses, or other significant persons, in our lives. I have major depression (bi-polar?), generalized anxiety disorder, I also have self-abusive behaviors & have made several suicide attempts (been hospitalized twice.) I also have what is sometimes referred to as "gender Identity disorder". Needless yo say, all of this causes me to have some on-going day-to-day & even hour-to-hour problems in my life.

My wife, who is just wonderful to me in every other way, just wants to pretend that none of this exists & that, instead, I'm just an everyday sort of normal older guy. As a result, there is no meaningful discussion that occurs with regard to my "problems"; and I, in an effort to comply with her desires, try to keep all of my problems as hidden as possible in order to maintain the ruse. But, needless to say, I often feel like a pressure cooker that is about ready to explode! And sometimes I do for no really good reason.

When this happens, my wife takes the attitide: "why do you have to get so upset? You don't get upset at me when I do something like that." Of course the reason I get so upset is because my insides are, like I say, a pressure cooker all of the time & so any little thing that happens tends to set me off. For example, if I drop something & break it, I will get angry with myself & start berating my clumsiness & yelling about how useless I am, etc. Then, I gradually settle down & it's back to "normal". I call it our "don't ask, don't tell policy." She doesn't ask & I don't tell."

I allow this situation to continue because I love her & I know how much she loves me & is dependent upon me. (Neither of us have any other family left.)
So I don't want to do anything that would cause permanent damage to our relationship. My occasional outbursts aren't fun, but they don't cause any long-term damage.

So, with that as background, my question is: how far should a person who is mentally ill be expected to go in order to "protect" a spouse or other significant person from the reality of living with / being attached to a person who has a mental illness? How much pressure & distress should a person with mental illness accept in order to spare loved ones the distress of having to deal with the realities of the person's mental illness, if the person were to let it all "out"?

Thank you so much for your comments!