Hi notALICE,

I hope you can accept some of what I have to say about this subject, because I would like to see the best possible outcome for both you and your son, having been in a very very similar situation personally and this is something that I feel extremely compelled to respond to. Skip to the bolded stars if you want to skip my life story lol.

I'll give you the background:

I grew up without a father figure around (lived in different country, parents were married but not really together) and went through a lot of stuff since my early childhood years. When I was a teenager, I went through something that really changed my life negatively, and by the time I was 15-16 I had done a whole score of drugs, got kicked out of a few schools, and my mental health was horrible. Aside from a mood disorder that really gripped me at the time, I also had pretty bad teenage angst and anxiety.

My Chinese parents started to take notice, due to high expectations which I was consistently not meeting. They never had much of a presence in my life until that point, where they really tried to step in and intervene by instilling what they considered was discipline and trying to help by getting me meds and doctors and hospitals and whatnot. It straight up lead to war, then me running away from home, being hospitalized and getting kicked out of home where I was homeless for a bit.

Events like police were involved, some violence, my room being barricaded and seiged (quite literately) after the lock on the door was smashed by my father, lots of threats, some violence, and I did also wave a knife around at one point. Things were kind of insane. My room was also dark and gloomy which my parents hated, my sleep patterns were absolutely messed up (insomnia since age 12) and I did play a decent amount of video games and read a lot to distract myself during the quieter times of my life.

Through all this we had a therapist who was trying to work things out with my family, and he straight up told us some extremely useful advice that I think applies to you as well - If your child grew up a certain way, trying to suddenly impose changes out of nowhere will only cause conflict. Changes have to be taught gradually and although both sides want things to change asap and for the bad times to end, no body can suddenly force a thing or event to happen that will suddenly make things better. And in the event that parents are too overbearing and force their child to do something or adopt something, those changes often do not have any long term effect. And by the same logic, if the child forces the parents to change to accept the chaos, he/she is only dooming himself later on with that kind of lifestyle.

*****

Basically, I feel like your son is refusing medication for a good reason, but due to your want of fixing the situation asap, you're seeing it as a potential solution to the problem. But instead of addressing that together, you're trying to force more changes on him and you're both butting heads. Forcing a teenager into the world of medications and doctors for their own good is simply not productive, and the more you push for that, the more a teenager will naturally fight back against it.

The officer is more on the spot than you'd care to admit. He's seen this a dozen times before. There is some bad parenting involved...sorry, but that's the case. Your son does also need to respect you since you're the parent he seems to deal with the most, so that you two can actually communicate.

Let me ask you this, as a mother, do you REALLY want to see your son as sick and incapable? He's working a part time job, which is excellent since a lot of teens in his situation wouldn't even leave the house to work or go to school. He clearly has a strong personality and a sense of spirit to fight back, although at the moment that's posing more of a problem.

I seriously suggest talking to your son openly and honestly about why you reacted the way you do, and to reach out to attempt to work with him. This goes beyond mental health, while it does play a part in how everything came about. This is about your family first and foremost. Other elements are simply aspects of the problem not the problem itself. Keep addressing it as a mental health problem and I'm willing to bet that things will only further deteriorate.

Don't put all your faith in doctors and medications, because they'll start becoming you beacon of hope for your son, when you could be putting your faith into your son to make him the beacon of hope for himself and you, by working with him.

At the very end of the day, while you love your son and fear for him, he's another human being. You CANNOT try to control someone else's life, especially coming into adulthood. You need go beyond your emotions that are so strong as a mother, and start seeing your son as a person. You'll be surprised by how many people can actually take care of themselves if they're put in a situation where they have to and will go beyond what you thought was possible.