I went to the doctor yesterday.

He made me wait and wait and wait.

I told the nurse in a civilized voice that I was about to leave and what was taking him so long. An unsmiling, assertive voice. She told me to just wait another moment and he would be there. I said, "Okay a little more, okay?" in a cool voice.

Then he comes in. Finally.

I don't bring up his being slow. I just say hi nice to meet you.

he looks at my eyes.

He is cool. So far I like him.

Then he puts an instrument on my eye; (numbed it first) and I am a little scared. He notices I flinch a little. He gets kind of annoyed that I got anxious. He then askes me why I'm on Medicare; I don't think he realizes that non-seniors can have if they have special disabilities.

I don't want to tell him I have a mental illness. When he asks what my disability is. I ask him, "Why do you need to know?" He goes, "Well, some medications can affect your eyes."

The thought goes thru me that I had already listed my meds and that how can meds have ANYTHING to do with my disability?!

But I don't say that.

I say, "Depression. That's an axis one condition".

He backs off.

I still don't know what to make of his comment about me being "young for Medicare".

And I don't know what to make of his diagnosis that I have "rosecea". That's a skin condition! And nonspecific blepharitis (inflammation of the eyes). I am still doing the saline washes and also self-Reiki.

I don't know if I want to be under his care.

He's pretty much sent me on my way. Not unkindly. But I am scared he has an attitude.

My mentor told me to be mindful, again, of my bpd mind-processes.

Is it my bpd or is it me?

Carol