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Hi Mandrec,
I re-read your original post and I think I understand it a little better now, maybe this summary (if basically accurate) will be helpful:
It sounds like your main issue is depression and these meds, in the past, have not helped with that. Zyprexa helped to get you out of a manic episode triggered by an antidepressant, but you don't need it for that reason anymore, because you're no longer taking that antidepressant.
However, Zyprexa has helped you with hypomania/rapid cycling in and out of hypomania.
So, in sum, it sounds like nothing you've tried so far has helped with depression and Zyprexa has helped with hypomania. I guess, as someone else suggests, part of the decision will hinge on to what extent the hypomania negatively affects your life -if it's destructive enough to you and those around you to risk the side effects of Zyprexa. Not an easy decision to make.
Are you considering trying a different medication for depression?
On a different note, you wrote:
I told them "I have bipolar", and lately they told me "at first we didn't believe you had bipolar". So basically they didn't believe me and I see no reason why I should trust them.
And you seem to be considering switching providers because of this. But I'd point out that they said "they didn't believe you had bipolar," not that they didn't believe you. I think it's an important distinction. It doesn't mean they thought you were lying, just that they had a different opinion about your diagnosis. I think many clinicians prefer not to diagnose someone based on their self-diagnoses and prefer to put the pieces together themselves to come to a conclusion. For example, although I came to my current psychiatrist with a diagnosis of Bipolar I, he would not officially diagnose me until he himself had witnessed a manic episode. This makes sense to me. I think he was being careful, and keeping an open mind, on my behalf, and I respect him for that. So I personally don't think they're untrustworthy just based on what they said there.
Lastly,
I need to be left alone physically and I'm not intimate with my bf and I do not like to be hugged or touched. I have serious attachment issues & feelings of detachment and I'm very dependent on other people to function. When I make decisions on my own I often choose at random. Usually I just avoid all decisions and do nothing. I used to be very decisive and sure, and didn't mind physical contact or emotional bonding like I do now.
I think this may well not have to do with meds. Hopefully your therapist can help you with these relationship issues (or already is), it sounds like a very difficult place to be.
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