What you said does make sense. My feelings would probably happen with any good therapist, that's the problem... I have already experienced transference with 2 teachers in the past. So you're right in that it is my issue, and it's not exactly about her. The whole point of therapy is to resolve whatever issues you have, regardless of how shameful/awkward they are.

I think it would help to prevent her from freaking out if I said that I want to deintensify my feelings, but to be honest, if I were to say that, it would only be a lie. The bad thing is that I think that I partially want to tell her to get even closer to her. I know that this is an unrealistic hope. But the way things are right now, I can only look at her for a few seconds in the beginning of our sessions, and then I look down the entire time. I am so afraid to look at her not because I think I will see a negative expression, but because I'm afraid about how much I will care if I see empathy. And I feel like I am keeping her at a distance, not fully opening up or expressing feelings because I think I want to have that kind of relationship with her too badly. It's like a defense mechanism, where I push away what I want the most and get the exact opposite of what I want. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, and I know that sounds very illogical. But I guess I was hoping that if I were to tell her of my feelings for her and of my feelings of a void from a lack of a parental figure, maybe I would be able to be more open and trusting of the therapy process. And maybe she would want to be a parental figure for me... as much as the therapy relationship allows, of course.