I can really identify with your post. You asked for info about daughters, and I can't help there. I do have an 11 year old son with ADD though.

He's someone who can be extremely volatile. Over the years, I have learned that he responds much more positively to my patience and understanding vs. me having "normal" parental expectations.

My son is very smart, too. He is gifted in verbal subjects in school and will use his gifts to argue his "case".

I am no expert, but I really do think he is not capable of remembering to do simple, routine thing that others can do - for example cleaning his room, brushing his teeth, etc. We use checklists and charts for everything. Part of his problem is that he often feels that he doesn't understand directions. Simplifying expectations and putting them in writing really help, because he will sometimes forget or differently interpret what was asked of him.

Consequences are the same. We write contracts with each other, and stipulate the consequences of not following agreements. This makes discipline extremely effective when the rules are in black and white, in advance.

Of course, my son still become upset if he does not live up to his agreement, but not to the extreme degrees that he did before. I hope this helps, if even a litte.

Best wishes!