Oh, how these demons, depression & anxiety, lurk about and jump out to rob us of any shred of happiness. I've been feeling okay the last few weeks after coming out of a suicidal episode in December. Then this morning I wake up with a warm feeling at my back like my pet dog or a kitty is lying there. It feels so good until I realize it's not true and I am alone. And then I remember that all the relationships I've had with men have ended (sometimes after years) with the realization that it's all been a lie. I have let them lie to me. I have chosen to believe, what my good sense has told me was a lie. I wanted so to keep the relationship. Now I am alone again, after another man has lied to me for two years. I am doing okay. I just regret and grieve over all the time, all the lies, all that I wasted, all the love that maybe I could have if I can ever learn how to see these men for what they are. What is it that blinds me? What is it that attracts me to them and them to me? I just want them to stay away from me. I am so sad, so lonely, so afraid. I feel that endless, empty, fearsome, dark pit.