Quote:
Originally Posted by purplemystery
What you said does make sense. My feelings would probably happen with any good therapist, that's the problem... I have already experienced transference with 2 teachers in the past. So you're right in that it is my issue, and it's not exactly about her. The whole point of therapy is to resolve whatever issues you have, regardless of how shameful/awkward they are.
I think it would help to prevent her from freaking out if I said that I want to deintensify my feelings, but to be honest, if I were to say that, it would only be a lie. The bad thing is that I think that I partially want to tell her to get even closer to her. I know that this is an unrealistic hope. But the way things are right now, I can only look at her for a few seconds in the beginning of our sessions, and then I look down the entire time. I am so afraid to look at her not because I think I will see a negative expression, but because I'm afraid about how much I will care if I see empathy. And I feel like I am keeping her at a distance, not fully opening up or expressing feelings because I think I want to have that kind of relationship with her too badly. It's like a defense mechanism, where I push away what I want the most and get the exact opposite of what I want. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, and I know that sounds very illogical. But I guess I was hoping that if I were to tell her of my feelings for her and of my feelings of a void from a lack of a parental figure, maybe I would be able to be more open and trusting of the therapy process. And maybe she would want to be a parental figure for me... as much as the therapy relationship allows, of course.
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I completely understand these feelings of wanting your admission to bring you closer, I feel the same way regarding telling my pdoc of my strong feelings for him. I also totally get your behavior in sessions. I too have held back and tried not too seem"too" friendly with my pdoc for fear that he'd think I was trying to flirt with him and be creeped out. And am also afraid to tell him my feelings because I'm afraid I'll take any reaction and somehow turn it into a form of rejection, even if it's not. So i know how you feel. I guess when I suggest asking for her help to deintensify your feelings, it's more to reframe them, not eliminate them. Right now you say you look down durning your sessions. This can't really be a positive for you in therapy. By Telling her you may actually become closer, and she may be able to make sense of behavior like this (does she ever ask why you're looking down and not at her?). The hope is that once the intense feelings are a topic of conversation and a part of your therapy process you can work on the fear of abandonment. You may both actually be closer as a result. She will probably understand your need for a parental figure, and maybe she won't see it as a big deal. My family did not allow the expression of feelings either, they were either ridiculed or ignored. So I am also now afraid to admit any feelings to anyone out of fear of rejection. My female T said she was 100% sure my pdoc would not reject me, that's the only reason I feel confident in sharing with him, and like you I haven't done it yet, and think about it every day. So I totally understand your fears as I have exactly the same ones, so I am not suggesting this is at all easy. I am just as scared as you to bring the topic up. This is all just helping me prepare to have the very same discussion with my pdoc, so I'm hoping the can do the same for you.
