Quote:
Originally Posted by amee200
I completely understand these feelings of wanting your admission to bring you closer, I feel the same way regarding telling my pdoc of my strong feelings for him. I also totally get your behavior in sessions. I too have held back and tried not too seem"too" friendly with my pdoc for fear that he'd think I was trying to flirt with him and be creeped out. And am also afraid to tell him my feelings because I'm afraid I'll take any reaction and somehow turn it into a form of rejection, even if it's not. So i know how you feel. I guess when I suggest asking for her help to deintensify your feelings, it's more to reframe them, not eliminate them. Right now you say you look down durning your sessions. This can't really be a positive for you in therapy. By Telling her you may actually become closer, and she may be able to make sense of behavior like this (does she ever ask why you're looking down and not at her?). The hope is that once the intense feelings are a topic of conversation and a part of your therapy process you can work on the fear of abandonment. You may both actually be closer as a result. She will probably understand your need for a parental figure, and maybe she won't see it as a big deal. My family did not allow the expression of feelings either, they were either ridiculed or ignored. So I am also now afraid to admit any feelings to anyone out of fear of rejection. My female T said she was 100% sure my pdoc would not reject me, that's the only reason I feel confident in sharing with him, and like you I haven't done it yet, and think about it every day. So I totally understand your fears as I have exactly the same ones, so I am not suggesting this is at all easy. I am just as scared as you to bring the topic up. This is all just helping me prepare to have the very same discussion with my pdoc, so I'm hoping the can do the same for you.  |
I know exactly what you're talking about- I also hold back so that I won't appear to be too friendly. And I am similarly afraid that I'll turn anything into a rejection. Did you ever mention to your pdoc that there is something that you want to tell him?
We have at various times talked about why I can't look at her during sessions. One time she said "I think we both know why you are like this," referring to the way I've been treated by my father (though there is of course more to it than that). At other times, she has suggested that the setting is very intimate and that I just have difficulty opening up about personal things to others. She has also sometimes been confused and all I could really say was that I'm afraid of being "seen" and that I feel vulnerable. She has said many times that she doesn't judge me, and that I don't necessarily need to look at her, though we both miss out a little on each other's facial expressions when I don't. When she brings it up, it's so hard not to tell her the real reason because she asks so many questions. One time I finally said, "I think there's another reason why I act like this. But I'm not sure if I should say." I think she was surprised, and she told me that she thinks I should take some time to weigh the costs and benefits of saying it (which makes me think that she figured out what it is, but it also worries me because she thinks that there could be "costs" to saying it). But I'm glad that you think that being honest could help us to get closer and that I could work on the issues involved.
I'm with you, it is such an intimidating thing to bring up. And it's so agonizing to think about it every day. It definitely helps seeing that other people are going through the same thing!
