Once again, it's been a while. Nothing's better, but I'm still alive here, so that's something.

In the time I havent been on here, I've been thinking and have realised some things which I never really have thought about before.

1. I am ill. I suppose I never thought of depression as a real illness, but really it's as much an illness as physical issues, isn't it? It causes pain and suffering and can sometimes be fatal.

2. I can not keep on living like this. God only knows how I've managed to live in this state of mind for as long as I have. And I know I won't be able to keep this up forever.

3. I can not get better. I don't remember a time before I was depressed. All I know is myself with depression. During this time, all of the things I even have a slight interest in have developed. Writing, sketching, painting all came about to help me cope. Acting I took up to be someone other than myself for a while.
My guilt complex makes me considerate of everyone around me, and makes me have a conscience and not be an evil nasty person. This comes from being depressed too.
If I lost my depression, I would also lose everything that makes me ME. I don't know who I am without it. That's if I am anything without it.

4. I am as scared of dying as I am of living. The only place where I don't have either fear is when dreaming or daydreaming. I'm stuck in this constant limbo, from which I cannot escape.

So basically, I'm just as scared and confused as ever. But now I know that I can neither live with this, get better, or kill myself.

Does anyone else understand this at all?

Sorry for the long post. Hope you're all well. xxxxx