Sorry to be the bearer of bad news ...

but I want to do it again.

Tight knot in my stomach and I tried to cry but it just won't work for me tonight.

I was having a good night. Watched a hockey game with some friends at one girls place. She just called me. Someone close to her has died.

I'm suddenly numb.

Can't deal with this.

She called me for help and yet everything I tried to say sounded so ... fake.

I'm a fake. I'm lying to myself. I'm never ever going to give this up. Even if I don't commit the act, I still think about it. It doesn't seem to want to leave me alone.

I just don't have the energy to fight this anymore.

I was reminded when I talked to my friend. I remembered the death of my grandfather.

I wasn't told right away.

First year of university and somehow schedules that didn't mesh - my mother, his daughter didn't tell me until two days later.

Now that f-ing bites and I didn't want to remember. I felt so awful for being happy when he was DEAD. What kind of grandaughter am I anyways? A lousy one, thats for sure.

And then I was confronted (now in the present again) by the thought that I can't do this to myself. Can't relapse. I quit for my friend. He's gone now and left me by my lonesome and even if he'll be back ...

I just can't deal with stuff anymore.

So now I don't know why I want to do it. A whole bunch of reasons all sneak up on me when my brain decides that it's got to make me more miserable ... again.

Sorry - I know I tend to talk more than a lot of other people, but have a hard time shutting up b/c I don't want to be misunderstood.