I purged again.

I've lost control in just about all aspects of my life: abusive mother hurting me emotionally and also my sisters, my bipolar meds are making me more hungry, gaining weight, and they aren't even doing their job, my schoolwork is suffering horribly, and no matter how much I try to fight the little voice in my head that tells me I'm fat and ugly, I can't.

My T doesn't seem to understand, just wants me to journal my mood and every time I screw up again. My stepmom is supportive, but I don't think I can face her with my failure two days after she told me to stop, fight this.

I feel so helpless. I feel like I have no control over this but I should. I can't confide in anyone anymore: it feels like treason to fess up to my best friends, one of which is seeking treatment for bulimia and the other I lied to about purging, I'm too guilty to tell my stepmom, I don't want to worry my boyfriend, and I really don't think I give a damn about my T. Why should she know? She doesn't understand. She's not trying to help me. She's trying to make me stay on the same meds that made me start gaining weight in the first place! I told her how much of a problem it is, how much I hate myself, how I think of jumping in front of cars whenever I go for a super long run. I've replaced other forms of self harm with purging, because it's damaging and completely horrible, but it won't leave a scar for my T or anyone else to try to lock me up for.

I can't control it. I've tried to stop. I don't know what to do anymore.