Hi,

I have a doctor's appointment today, and a procedure that I am really, really frightened about, where they are going to do an involved test/procedure/treatment in a private area of my body. I won't go into details because I don't want to trigger people. Anyway, it has really been scaring me for a long time, waiting for this. It is really, really , really *really* hard. And harder yet - I wasn't able to find a ride, or anybody to go with me. Even my counselor is out of town! I'd hoped I could talk to him afterwards, or make an appointment soon or something. eek. Because I think I am going to be really messed up. It is hard to think of doing this alone and being messed up alone also.

I have been wanting to hurt myself a lot and I have not done so, partly because I can't hide it during the procedure and I can't explain it (I'll probably be wearing one of those fashionable hospital gowns <G>). But also I haven't been self-injuring and I keep trying to stay away from it. And I know my counselor says somehow it hurts him when I hurt me, and I really like him, and I don't want him to hurt, although I don't understand that. But boy, it is really hard, and I really want to do hurting things to myself just now. But I am not doing that. And pretty soon I need to get ready to go to this appointment and I am upset and scared and....ick.

Oh well....thanks for listening.

Take care,
ErinBear