Seriously, do stupid unpleasant feelings have to ruin everything? Yesterday was a get together for my brothers birthday and today is his birthday. A little while ago he left to go party with a few friends.

Basically, I heard him make the plans and was thinking it would be cool if I could come to but I didn't really expect it, not so sure i would have gone even if he had asked me to....but then it kept bothering me more and more and now it's to the point all i can think about is that i wish I could go out and have fun once in a while I mean I don't usually have money let alone people to go have fun with...its not my brothers fault and for all I know he may have just assumed I wouldn't be in the mood to go to what could amount to a rather loud party since a lot of times I am not really up for too much chaos but for some reason it still bothers me.

Its like I'm the loser that hears about my sister, my brother and other people and all the good times they are having or just got back from or are planning to do...while I essentially try to make the best of having a pretty much non-existant, stagnant depressing life. Uhh I just didn't want to get hit with this on my brothers birthday because its his birthday....and all I can do is feel sorry for myself.

I mean am i just taking it too personally I wasn't invited to that particular event....or was it mean of him not to invite me? I am his older sister of the age 23 and he's 18(well 19 now)a lot of his friends are around my age or older so i wouldn't be out of place due to my age. I am just so caught up in feeling down on myself I don't even know what the reality of the situation is. It isn't really even that he went to to a party i likely would have declined due to being tired that I am upset about...its that I am 23, life just seems to go faster and i am wasting it I don't even go out and have fun ever...except the rare times i am able to join a family member and their friends. But I see even my younger family members seeming to live life to the fullest. Then of course i feel bad that all I can think about on my brothers birthday are my problems rather then if i can maybe get him a little gift or make him a card or something.

I am too embarrassed to actually talk to my brother or anyone else IRL about all that....I mean what would I even say that wouldn't come off immature or something. I mean an older sister trying to tell their older siblings they'd like to be included more if possible with stuff.....I mean I don't even know that my brother or my sister would even want to include me in their fun. I mean they hang out with me at home and sometimes I go places with my brother but i'd feel pretty stupid saying 'hey I actually would like to go out and have fun more with you.' only to find the whole reason it doesn't happen too often is they'd rather me not be around to embarrass them or something.

It's just confusing.....Also I keep thinking, when my birthday comes around i don't even want to acknowledge it, I've felt left out at my own birthday the last few times but maybe i deserve that when this is the crap I can't get out of my head on my brothers birthday...not just his really guess I've been liking the damn birthday celebrations less and less because whether its mine or someone elses it always depresses me and reminds me of how much I fail at life.