For the past few weeks, I've been having some very strong emotions, mostly guilt and humiliation, but sometimes anger. I know that my guilt comes from my past life. A I mentioned in one of my previous posts, this guilt feeling I'm experiencing has managed to take over my life. I know that the guilt is warranted, but it's been about 7 years since the issues I'm now feeling guilty over have ended, yet I've been noticing that lately, I cannot get over this.

It started back when I was about 27. I had been living a not so healthy life style. I wasn't taking care of my responsibilities, and was just basically messing up left and right. It was bad. I was bad, a mess to be honest.

I guess when things got so bad, people started talking about me. People, even people I didn't know, but who I know knew people that I did would come up to me and tell me about myself. Even those I knew, were making me feel stupid and crazy. It felt like they were criticizing me, just by the way they treated me and the things they said to me. This went on for years, I guess because by that time the rumor was out that I was a mess, or I was crazy, even delusional.

I eventually straightened up, and started doing what I was supposed to do, but I cannot forget what those people once said to me. I remember everything, which I hate, but I can't ignore their comments. Some of the remarks they made to me felt like criticism. I'm confused now, though because, it wasn't until they started getting involved with my life that I started to change for the better. So, initially, I thought, well maybe they were trying to help me. But, why would someone who was trying to help, tell random people your business, then have those same people criticize you, embarrass you, humiliate you, if they meant well.

I feel like those people never cared about me. I feel like they felt I was being rude to someone they cared about or not treating people right, and so that's why they came along to show me how it feels. It still feels like those same people are trying their best to end my life. I honestly feel like they just want me dead.

No one else will be honest with me. The people I am talking about would call me crazy, mostly because of how I was acting after my husband died. I was in denial and basically just could left him go. I definitely had a problem. I was grieving, paranoid, depressed, and I feel like all they did was come around to make fun of me, talk about me, see for themselves how bad off I was. Why I ever thought anyone cared about me still puzzles me. I feel like anyone who cares about someone, would tell them directly what they feel instead of going around trying to have others criticize me and make me feel like a fool, especially since they knew (and I didn't at the time) that something was seriously wrong with me. I'm not saying they had to care about me. I know I am not owed that. But, I just feel like if they were going to involve themselves in my life, why mess with my head? Why not just leave me alone and have nothing else to do with me?

I'm having trouble dealing with this and accepting everything that happened. I mostly need to know if I am delusional for even thinking or feeling how I just described. People have told me that I think the wrong things, and so I just want to know. As I said earlier, no one I know will be straight up with me, and I am making one last effort to try and figure out what is going on with me.

I know this is another one of my long rants, but I really could use someone's opinion on this one. All of this is one of the biggest causes of my depression. I think about it daily, constantly. I was doing alright this morning, watching a show that I was interested in, and then all of a sudden, I remembered what someone said to me long ago. I don't know if the comments that were made are true, like the ones about me being crazy, I just don't know. And I feel, even though I don't deserve much in life, I deserve to know what is wrong with me. If anyone can help I would appreciate it.