I am a student who has just finished her final year of examinations last year. My results came out a few weeks ago; I did well, not brilliantly, but well (11A's, with 7A+'s and 2A's, the best possible results would be all straight A+'s.) It was something I never dreamed of, I had hoped for only 9A's. It came as a surprise to my parents also and they began to ask me to apply for scholarships.

The problem is that now I suddenly feel very scared of my future. I applied for everything they asked me to, but I am convinced that I will not get the scholarships and I am afraid that I am only raising my hopes. Originally, I had simply planned to undergo a nurse-training programme sponsored by the government because my parents are unable to pay for my education privately. We are lower-middle class; in American dollars, my parent's income is only about 500$ per month. It is enough to live and buy small luxuries like this computer I use but not much more. So I didn't want to be a burden to them and decided to choose nursing, despite the fact many of my friends consider it very menial and low class.

I don't know why I am convinced that I will fail my scholarship applications, but I like to think it is because I am a purely average student with no outstanding abilities and I know that compared to other people my achievements are very menial. I have actually been contacted and shortlisted for an interview by a renowned oil company, but so have many other people and a few friends of mine who did much better than me. I am so afraid of disappointing my parents especially, because since I was shortlisted, if I do not get the scholarship they will blame me and say that it was I who made mistakes in the interview.

I do not have any particular goal or motivation in life. I only want to lead an average life and to have a normal job. But if I cannot get an education I do not know what I can do. I am afraid that I will spend my life doing some low-paying job like a cashier or something. Do not get me wrong; I know that there is nothing wrong with cashiers and I wouldn't mind being one. The only problem is that all of my friends and basically everyone in my social circle whom I depend on are quite well-off and are liable to look down on me if I do not do anything they deem 'useful' with my life.

Aside from that, my mother is suffering from a mental illness. She has had schizophrenia for many years and it really messed my life up. I took care of my family since I was twelve, cooking, washing, ect., and this really made me a social outcast because I had no time for friends or co curricular activities. Many of my friends complain I am withdrawn and cold, and I am afraid that I might one day inherit my mother's illness and be unstable. I already suspect (although this is dubious) that I suffer from schizoid personality disorder; I have extreme difficulty maintaining intimate relationships with other people and I pushed away my best friends, eventually causing them to hate me. My lack of chattiness causes other girls to feel distant from me. As a child I was a thief, a pickpocket and a shoplifter, and this lasted until I was fifteen. (I eventually forced myself to drop the habit because I was afraid of being caught by my classmates, and also because there was a slight improvement in my family's finances around that point.)

After I finished school, to be at least partly self-sufficient I took up a part-time job in a restaurant, doing work in the kitchen. (I absolutely refused to work as a waitress because I am afraid of interacting with customers.) There I met a man (I will call him 'John') whom I liked; I think it is too premature to say I am in love since I am only 18, but when we met something clicked. We have known each other for over half a year now. To my surprise, he responded, although in a confusing manner, and seems genuinely interested in me. I am too afraid to commit into a relationship even though he has asked me too; he has asked me to go out with him but I refused, saying my parents wouldn't allow me due to my age. John is almost ten years older than me and that makes me hesitate. I am very lonely but I don't want to be in a relationship just because I am alone. From all our months of prolonged contact I know he is a very good man (we have worked closely together at least nine hours a day, six days a week for the last six months.) He is honest, straightforward and kind. But for some reason I simply cannot believe that he could ever be in love with me. Physically I am very plain and not beautiful, and being isolated throughout my teen years meant that I lost out on 'girl things' such as how to dress fashionably and so on. I also don't have money for fashionable clothes so I wear very simple, utilitarian and plain clothes that are decent but not pretty.

John has applied to work overseas and has asked me if I will wait for him. I cannot tell if he is serious and I am afraid he is only playing with me even though I feel very strongly that he is serious, because it seems ridiculous that a man of twenty-eight wants anything to do with a girl of eighteen, much less wait for her three years (this is the minimum duration he will be gone.). He says he wants to wait until I complete my studies before we commit fully into a relationship. But I do not think that I will be able to get a scholarship to go to university. John studied at a world-class university and values education highly. I don't know if he will want to be with me if I am not able to study at a higher level. I am not really afraid of him leaving me, I think, I am just afraid of being alone, because right now I am so stressed about everything and it is wonderful to have someone to lean on. I have not told him about my family and my fears because I am convinced that he will find my past disturbing and difficult and then he will leave me also.

I know that I have written a lot of 'afraid''s and 'convinced''s while expressing my thoughts, but although they seem over-emphasized I feel like it accurately describes my state of mind right now. I am afraid because I am convinced the future is set in stone already, and I am convinced my future is absolutely hopeless and that I have no chance of finding someone who will want and love me no matter what I am or will become.