Have my appt. to see a Primary Care Doctor. As I don't have one, I have to wait for an initial appt., will keep calling back trying to get an earlier one.

On the whole, the day wasn't as bad as what I thought. When I told my friend, I didn't know what to expect. But all morning I was dreading it. I cried when I told her, I couldn't keep it in, it just flowed and I couldn't stop it. Then maybe 15 minutes later, it just stopped, that nothing feeling took over again. She told me that I could tell her anything, and that she would never judge me, just as I have never judged her. I told my co-worker, and I caught him off guard. He didn't know what to say, so said nothing. After I had told him, he was different. But I don't know if that was just in my head. How can I tell what is an irrational thought and what is reality?

I will be talking more with my friend, trying to be more open with her than I have been. I've never lied to her, unless you say that telling someone you are fine when you know some thing is wrong but you can't say or describe or even quantify it, a lie. She knows me, sometimes I think she knows me better than myself, I know she knows me better than I do. I wish I had been more open with her, that I had been able to tell her the things that go on inside my head, the thoughts both rational and irrational that constantly fly in and out of my head. I don't know what I would be like without her support, her unfailing support.

Tomorrow is a new day. New fears, new ideas, new everything. If only new days didn't start out the way they have been.

I don't know is this is a me thing, a male thing, or a illness thing; but i want to call the doc up and cancel the appointment. While I don't feel normal, I ask you to define normal. I feel like I can survive like this. If I can feel like this all the time, then I can function.