THIS IS A FREAK OUT. IT IS
ONLY A FREAK OUT. IF IT WERE A REAL EMERGENCY FREAK OUT, I WOULD NOT BE ON-LINE, I WOULD BE FREAKING OUT TO TRAINED EMERGENCY PHYCH PROFESSIONALS!
HOWEVER, I AM STILL FREAKING OUT!!!
Woke up 4 am right in the
middle of an anxiety attack! That's never happened before. I usually get a
few minutes of wake-up time before the onslaught of symtoms begins it's morning ritual.
And then it hit me. I GET TO START DBT AGAIN TODAY! ("Oh, yay," she says with a sarcastic defeatist attitude.)
Although I have a fabulous one-on-one therapist, I
loathe the thought of group therapy. I kept "flunking" that part of the program over an over. Even brought one of the group therapists to the brink. Poor thing! Although we both tried our best to accomodate each other (I did not want to change groups just because
I was having difficulty with someone - I was trying to be logical about this), she never really had a chance with me. I should have listened to my guts in this instance. The stress that was created for both of us resulted in much pain and frustration. I went on "vacation" for a few months to take a brake. I'm betting she felt the same way!
DBT is not an easy program. However, it's value in teaching BP's strategies to cope is invaluable. I know this; I have studied it's principles (although the expression of some techniques do not jive with my beliefs, I can easily adjust these techniques to suit my them without changing its original purpose and/or intent).
Anyway, I am just terrified to go. I have been allowed to indulge completely into my altered state since leaving therapy 3 months ago, and I have rarely left the confines of my home. (It is so easy for me to stay confined for weeks before I even notice that I haven't even stepped outside the door beyond where the garbage can sits on the backyard deck - approximately 2 feet. Hell, if the door swung the other way, I would only have to put one foot out the door!)
I AM SCARED. I FEED STUPID. IT'S NOT THAT I CANNOT GO OUT, I JUST REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO!!!!
This is definitely one of those "kicking and screaming" moments...
I THINK I NEED MY MOMMY!
That is so
pathetic, but I don't think I will make it if I don't get someone to drag me out the door! And why it can't be anyone else, I don't know. It just has to be her. Wow, talk about deeply manifest abandonment issues...
I feel so helpless and humiliated at this moment. I am
and
. (This helps so much to relieve the tension that is continually building inside right now)
Oh, and now the drugs are kicking in...phew...
Okay, feeling better. Now I just have to deal with a beat red face, bulging, blood-shot eyes, and the sudden addition of 10,000 lbs of worry weight I have to try to move around with. Good thing, I guess, I woke up so early, so I could get through all of this before I have to go.
I feel much better for this rant. Now I have to go ask mommy if she will come with me.
Slink, slink, slink...
