(I am sorry I've been posting a little bit often, it's been a very harsh and tough weekends and still this week.)

"....I am too scare to phone her because I worry she would give me the answer "NO" [that she not willing to help ...."

(some background story....)
My former counselor S* (and life coaching me at the same time).
She was working on my case 2-3 yrs ago, then she need to move on to another job, and transfer me to another counselor X.

But counselor "X" and me isn't working out. (we have no argument nothing, it's like a med, that doesn't work, but no side effect, nothing negative) So I stopped seeing "X", and I didn't see anyone anymore coz I am tire and I cannot afford either.

During these years, a few times I wanted to call S*, hoping she can help me. But I didn't. (I understand our sessions had ended)

(the main story....)
Something happened on Friday, very terrible. I felt like I am at the lowest floor of hell. I called "S" (my former counselor and life coach). She was busy and said she will called me back Monday, today.

She didn't call me tonight. I didn't know if she know I changed my phone or not. And I am not sure if her phone has called id display.

Then I would feel all helpless hopeless and like my vague hope would have shattered, and that I would feel like I am all alone (and tire) floating in the sea and seeing no lights no direction.

I think I changed and I think if she help me again, things will work out fine.
I hope she can be my counselor again, and be my life coach again.
I hope she can support me to get ready and prepare to a normal life; and that also to register for the career program (that I wanted to enroll).
And I also hope during studying the program, she can support me, and help me (not on academic, but emotionally)

So I am too scare to call her, I worry she would say NO. Then I would feel like all alone.
And I would feel like I am alone now, till the program start; and ALSO during the program I would be all alone fighting.

emotionally I think I am very likely to encounter emotional issue during the program and don't know how to deal with it alone. And then end up dropping out.