Hey guys. Sorry this is long post, but it is necessary for me and I hope at least one person can relate. This is the longest post I have ever written to date.

My feelings right now: depressed; severe anxiety and panic; terrible sense of foreboding; lonely; very upset; very angry; alone; frightened; ashamed; guilty; shattered; tired and abandoned. Probably more but my brain is foggy.

Urges for destructive behaviour have been very high - (that is for different forum though).

Also, feel so dependent on partner, he is at work right now, he works shifts, it's scary being so dependent. I can't even make a decision for myself. It's like I am a child.

Our relationship is a farce…he feels like a carer…he works, he cleans, he cooks etc.
I am so isolated here in this house, one day rolls into the next, anyone else feel that? I am afaid to step outside. Althogh, I did leave house 3 times in last couple weeks. I regret it.

I binge-eat a lot…it is disgusting. Yet, some days I might eat nothing at all. I did put on weight and do feel fat and hate myself, however, before this I was underweight. Can't really understand that because I was doing same disordered eating. My theory is it's meds related…because some meds were changed last time I was in Psych Unit. People say it in my head I'm fat- not meaning I have a fat head!!!

Have lot of mental health issues and am on a cocktail of meds for a very long time now. Since my teens. Did try tapering meds both with psych and also alone, disaster!

Main issues: major depression; BPD; self-harm; suicidal tendencies; anger issues; binge-eating; dependency and insomnia. Mood swings are awful, I cry at drop of a hat, next thing I could be in a rage. Crying is a daily thing though.

Anger scares me, I take it out on partner in a horrible emotional sense, shouting at him, berating him, I'm horrible to him. This makes me so guilty and ashamed. I wonder do I hate him? Then there is the anger that is self-directed. Punishment for being such a horrible person to him. yet my family and couple friends I do have left think I am kind, gentle and compassionate person. Just not to partner or myself eh.

Anyway, I am terrified I may have to go to the Psych Unit again. That is not something I want to do. I'm afraid to ask for help really. Both for my mental and physical problems.

In addition, I feel I am a child…I mean I seem very child-like, it's as if I have never grown up. I think I must be part of the 'Peter Pan Gang'. Does anyone else feel this way?
I have never had to fend for myself so to speak.

The friends I do have left all have careers, children and have their own lives to live. I don't see them very much. I have lost many friends because I isolate so much and then if I do have to socialise…I end up crying or doing something stupid. I had to attend 3 social events recently…so stressful, I cried each time and had bad experience after one.
I hate leaving the house. Thankfully I rarely have to. Partner does all the shopping etc. He resents me.

As for self-care, another poster mentioned showers…I won't expand on that any further.

I should also add, I have very bad back trouble and had emergency surgery about 7 months ago as disc ruptured and nearly resulted in me losing my bladder and bowel function if they didn't operate immediately. That was scary. I now have nerve damage down entire right leg. So extreme back and leg pain. I can walk and everything but it hurts, I just don't walk, even though I know I need to to aid my recovery. Ten minutes walking hurts but I don't do it often, therefore, I don't build up walking times. Sitting really hurts, so spend majority of time lying on my side, luckily I have a tablet because I certainly couldn't manage a laptop sideways!

Finally, I am in my 30s yet I feel like a child inside. Physically, I feel very old, although that might be stupid thing to say because I do not know how it feels to be old physically. I guess I just didn't expect all this physical stuff at this age. Was in minor car accident in 2004 also, so have had back trouble since my 20s. There is tonnes of other stuff, stuff I am unable to talk about. I feel I am drowning here. Existing not living. Sinking further into depression- if that's even possible.

Thanks for letting me vent and tell a bit of my story. I know the things I need to be doing to help myself, yet I don't do them. I wonder is this self- sabotage?