Thanks for sharing your story and I hope it helps to let it out. Depression can be pretty debilitating and it sounds like you have other stuff going on to make it worse. Have you thought about couples counseling? Maybe it will allow you to be able to communicate better with blowing up on him? Are you seeking treatment for your issues or have things overwhelme you completely?

I can releate to your depression, self-harm and probably BPD, but mostly I keep everything in so I don't have noticble mood swings. I often wonder if I sabotage myself as some form of self punishment. I know if I fail as something I have a reason to hate myself. I don't know why I do the things I do sometimes. I feel like I am trying to balance being somewhat normal and going into self destruct mode all the time. My spouse temper those tendencies. At the very least I am less self destructive now than before I met her. I get affraid she will get tired of dealing with me and move on. Maybe it is my own neurosis that makes me think that. Honestly I don't know how I could live without someone in my life. I hope things get better for you and you find a way to get your life in order.