I am stuck in an emotional state. I feel like the abyss is within me, it is so unsettling it's not funny.

I had my scripts for my meds. in my car and they are lost, how I don't know, and my Pdoc said she doesn't rewrite scripts. I hate myself. I am so overwhelmed that I just came home and didn't even try and call my Pdoc to get my meds. straight, because her staff are a cluster **** who get off on telling patients that they can't get their meds. The one ***** can go **** herself, and I hope she washes her greasy hair when she's done.

For the record, this is not drug-seeking behavior, the pharmacy can prove that because it is time for a refill, it is that I am infuriated because yet one more person controls how I feel. I am still continuing to take things as prescribed, blah blah, but will run out of Provigil and my Seroquel is due. Who the **** cares, right? I hate people sometimes. I hope I go stark ****ing raving mad and run down the street screaming at midnight (fully clothed). Thankfully, the pharmacist did fax my GP and is going to get my heart meds., Prevastatin, and my GP is awesome.

I almost called you this morning because I just don't know where all of these emotions are coming from. But I didn't and I think you are happy about me not bothering you. I know if I could not bother me, I would be the happiest person on earth.

The emotions flooded me at work and I had to zone out to try to deal with them so I wouldn't break out into a full emotional storm at work. I sometimes wish I could just let loose, just stand at work and start screaming, "I can't take this anymore, DOES ANYBODY HEAR ME? IS ANYBODY ****ING LISTENING?" Whatever.

I can't think of anything you will be able to do or say that will help me through this, but I hope to God that you can and that you do. I feel voiceless, silenced, unheard. I will never find my way out of this. I am in such agony and you are nowhere to be found. I am so terrified that tomorrow I will leave feeling this same way. Petrified. I am trying to hold on to a speck of hope, but it feels like a fool's hope. I still have faith in you, but the part of me that is angry doesn't want you to know that, it doesn't feel that way. H E L P M E. . . . . . .