Ultramar,

Thank you for responding. Actually, I do have a counselor that I see regularly and she is wonderful but we thought the meds would really help settle my anxiety and depression before therapy will truly begin to work so I have started my meds. The psychiatrist, however, sees me for 15 minutes and is on to her next appointment but she is very empathetic and I really like her, I just wish she did ask me more about my history. I know it sounds confusing, I'll try to make it a lot more clear...
About two years ago is when my anxiety and depression and sleep issues started. Before that I thought I was happy and went out a ton with friends and drank a drink or two, never got wasted or anything, pretty level-headed and extremely worried about making sure I drove myself home safe and sober. I had tons of friends and did a lot of things on my own, like going to bars to meet my friends by myself and going shopping and stuff. I was always jumping quickly into relationships and they were always, always crazy. I fought hard with almost everyone I have ever been with. I remember throwing something once, threatening to kill myself once, and just crying so hard I would be sick. About two years ago I left a very bad relationship that just kept going downhill and I was ashamed of who I had become. Once I left him and moved closer to work things just started changing. I know even when I was "happy" I never felt a good sense of self or was secure. I've always had this feeling of emptiness and lost in this world, like everyone around me has their own personality and I was trying to find one. I digress... back to two years ago. I started having issues staying asleep at night, I would toss and turn and wake up each time, so I am up 8-9 times at night. I take melatonin and drink chamomile tea before bed, too. Then I was just sad all the time and then the anxiety started. I met my current boyfriend about two years ago and he is Christian and does not jump into relationships so that was a new one for me and it has been great but I still struggle everyday feeling empty, alone, angry, jealous, hateful, just lost. I find nothing exciting, I don't want to be here. I just have no clue why on Earth I am here. I do have moments where I have ideas and I am constantly changing my career goals and what I want to do but I just come back to thinking I am too old to change my path and I'm not on one anyways and my life is so useless. I just don't agree with a BPII diagnosis because I can't think of any mania in my life. It is mostly anxiety, stress, misery, depression, and hope that some day I will fit in this world. I don't feel like I have my own personality and I don't feel like anyone likes me and so I've become a homebody. I avoid most social situations and dread any family ones. I was just hoping I could get others to share their symptoms and stories and maybe I will be able to see with whom I can relate to. I would appreciate any suggestions or comments. I will definitely be talking with they psychiatrist soon. Thanks again and God bless!!