I really don't know where to start. I have handled my life pretty well with the amount of traumatic experiences I have had (child abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse from significant others, suicide attempts, etc.)

Four years ago, I moved to a larger city with a significant other (whom I'd been with for a year) that I planned on marrying one day. Shortly after that move, he became extremely abusive physically, emotionally, and mentally. Still I held on to him and helped him succeed in life. He is now graduating from my university while I am dropping out. The worst of our relationship I felt was when he beat me to the ground and repeatedly kicked my face until I was unconscious. I left for a week to my best friends home and never shared what happened to me with my family.

I later became pregnant after my birth control failed (thank you Nuva-ring) and told myself that I could not keep this child because of the abusive relationship I (and most likely it) would have with its father. I speak from experience when I considered my options. My father suffers from PTSD from Vietnam and used to physically abuse my mother and I. He still suffers from this condition, but is in therapy. I still feel like my past is the reason I stuck with this relationship for almost 5 years. I was already in therapy, but talked my boyfriend into attending anger management and private sessions. Things did not get better.

Shortly after this I found out that my family was losing their home. So I drove 3.5 hours (one way) every weekend for a period of 4 months to help them move. My boyfriend decided that I was cheating on him (not the case). He broke up with me over the phone with my best friend listening to him degrade me in every way possible.

Luckily I removed myself from this abusive situation and found a WONDERFUL man who treats me the way a woman should be. My greatest challenge with my current relationship was retraining my brain to accept real love. I didn't understand that I deserved better and my therapist really helped me deal with this. A year later, it still is a challenge because I feel indebted to people and try to reciprocate. I digress...

For the last ten years of my life I have been dealing with severe back pain. For the last 6 months my health has been steadily declining and now it looks like I will be having a 3 level fusion on my lower back at the age of 25. Doctors usually don't consider this at my age (it's usually reserved for people 60+), but there are no other options for my situation.

I have now withdrew from school (pre-veterinary medicine) and just feel stuck in life. Since my past abusive relationship my grades have been at a steady decline. I had a 3.5 GPA and now have 2.5 GPA. I feel completely stuck. I am not sure if I will be able to continue on the career path I have chosen if my mobility is limited. It took me a long time to heal my wounds from the abusive relationship and just when I was starting to feel like I have control now I feel feel like everything has been taken away from me again. I'm beginning to find myself slipping back into the feeling that I do not deserve anything good in life. Is that why every time I'm starting to feel "ok", God rips the rug right out from under me?

I want to go back to school, but the amount of depression and anxiety I feel is too great. I feel like even if I did start, my GPA is SO LOW that it is hopeless to even try. My family has tried to help me, but they seem to be a trigger for my panic attacks. Every time I try to gather the courage to try to figure out my future I have an attack. To be perfectly honest, this is the first time I have even used a computer in 3 months because it reminds me of school. Also, I disconnected my phone so that wouldn't stress me out and force me into an attack. I feel like I am a complete disappointment to myself, my family, and now my boyfriend. How can I get out of this?