Quote:
Originally Posted by neurotic johnnie
why I are my relationships "fear based"? That is, not that i instill fear into my partner, but that I make decisions based on my fears and insecurities. For example, with my girlfriend, everyone asks me how it's going with her, to which i reply, in truth, wonderful. She is the girl of my dreams. Young, blonde, no kids, smart, college educated. But i get so pissed off everytime some stupid guy checks her out at the store, flirts with her at the restaurants, or the neighbor kids "visually undress" her. Am I being insecure or overly sensitive? f. I can see the downward spiral of me becoming controlling, manipulating, and mean based on making these decisions based out of fear.
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That could be the case, indeed, though it would not be a rational response to feeling fear and insecurity. The rational response to feeling fear - I take it, you mean
the fear of losing her, and that fear is so prominent in you that you cannot tolerate neighborhood kids and cannot mention guys looking at her at the store without calling such guys "stupid" although they have not said a word to you - is to over-insure that she stays with you, in general by being extra nice. Becoming controlling and mean is NOT a rational response to feeling the fear of losing her. That said, a lot of people DO act in such an irrational way, and they get away with such actions because their girlfriends are
irrational themselves. Girlfriends or wives who have personality issues or perhaps some childhood trauma etc. would stay with controlling boyfriends and husbands even when better options are available. So when you say that you can see a downward spiral, you are counting on her being irrational and having personality problems or legacy of early trauma. I must say that it you are so SURE that she will stay with you
despite your becoming controlling, then you do not really have INSECURITY. Your state of mind can be best characterized as that of a person who is TOO SECURE.