Like Rohag said--depression is cruel. It affects all our thinking, judgement and perspective. But! It's mostly genetics and chemical imbalances. Would your be ashamed of diabetes or epilepsy ? Of course not. Try to understand that you have a disease. It can usually be treated. You have a community here that fully understands what you are feeling---most of us have been there. Shame is so hard to overcome. It was my ruling emotion before I started taking the meds. My Dr. explained that it was the disease talking. So please see yourself as someone with an illness and see a Dr. or counselor. If you met someone who said the same things to you as you said to us, what would you say to them? Just give yourself a break. You are very articulate. Writing should be a good outlet for you. You have made us very clear about your situation. See how intelligent you are.
Just see someone. What could it hurt?