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venusss · Apr 10, 2013, 07:02 AM

So I have taken a course of Emotional Freedom Technique (aka taping). I so should use it, but for that I would have to write down my emotions and chose the biggest problem first.

And I don't wanna.

I am just afraid what I am hiding inside. Maybe it's not something that should be unleashed.

I am trying to balance quite a few things. Be there for few people, but it's taking toll on me. I need Venus time. Not Venus time carefully snatched between job hunting, being someone's shoulder to lean on... Venus time where I can unashamedly watch Eurovision videos or what not and not feel bad that I should be studying or writing cover letters and pretending I really wear pantsuit daily and happily and solving my living situation...

But I worry so. About if I will find a job, if I will be able to function in that work environment (not really bipolar thing. Bohemian thing... still). About my loved ones. About the state of world (I look towards NoKo rather anxiously. My own country is mess too).

And I feel again bit crazy. Paranoid. I will not furtherly write why (because I am paranoid about that )... but it just lingers. Moreover I do believe it's not all unreasonable... just blown out of proportion.

Last few days... I have been bit out of it. Before falling asleep I experience... hallucination possibly? of dying... in many different ways. Seeing things, some disturbing (like illusions that my body is bleeding or on fire). I know I will get through... but it's taking toll on me.

In two weeks I am leading an international project. Need to be fine and enthusiastic for it. Maybe being around people for a change will help. Who knows.