The printing of the posts I think would be a great idea. I am a very private person, I find talking to people hard. Once I find someone that I can talk to, I feel like I am burdening them with my issues. I have asked my friend to come with me to the appt., because I know she will help me move forward, keep me honest so to speak. But I am so afraid that I will loose her. I'm afraid that she will see me for the **** up that I am and tell me not to see her or her son again, both of whom I love so much. I do masturbate, and it does help a little, but its not the same, and without going into details which I will not do, it's just as much the intimacy as it is the act. Masturbation is just the act, I need the intimacy just as much as I need the act. It's the guilt, I feel guilty for asking. When I ask she said she feels cheap, but if I don't ask then what? There is so much negative thought in my head, over such menial and stupid things, that everything in my life is being affected. From sleeping, to eating, interactions with customers in both aspects of my work, family, friends. I want to stop thinking, I want the thoughts to stop, I want the monologue to **** off. I want quiet in my head so that I can think about what I want to think about. I want to wake up and feel, I want to stop crying for no reason, I don't want to feel guilty for wanting to have sex, or have the intimacy with my lover.

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